I've been enjoying my promotion at work. I am taking everything I learned in the last year about taking point when the managers can't and using it to reshape how my team learns and responds to customers. I'm also learning how to walk away from the work day without feeling guilty.
I have figured out how to create work-safe or even productive distractions at work: doing other things that aren't just sloth or aimless reading but let my mind relax enough to get back to work. Last week this led me to learn how to set a constant in Excel.
I was trying to figure out how much I could pay on different debts. I have a consolidation loan that is nearly finished, a mutated store credit card with a rate worse than usury (from which I culled half to populate the consolidation loan, thus it consolidated... one debt), and a shared card with my wife. We got the shared card because we wanted a chip card to use in Europe (which I wished I'd had with me in 2008) and it also gave us frequent flyer miles with British Airways. It also has a far better APR than my old store plate.
I started putting data into a spreadsheet, but I kept getting annoying results. I would try to google what I wanted, but I only got close when I stopped using programmer terminology. Most of the third-party documentation about Excel is written by people that have never coded before, and don't even realize they're coding now.
As a result, Excel seems to be the Mos Eisley of data collection: a hive of villainy and poor ideas forced into end-of-quarter meetings. People will turn anything into a spreadsheet then make another spreadsheet to turn that data into something else. Some of you may be used to this; others may shriek in fear. Those other folks realize what I do: that's like taking a tree and turning it into mashed potatoes to create load-bearing cardboard and scrap paper. Oh sure, we've been doing that for a long time but it's a terrible waste of energy. A spreadsheet is the crappiest database format ever but it's the most common one.
Excel is a useful part of Microsoft Office. It never crashes, it's always installed even on a highly restricted computer, and even an ancient version will do what you need 99% of the time. This is exactly how its clean interface and comfy quadrille incur the worst examples of thinking inside the box(es). Someone that has never programmed or fears code winds up a genius to the others in the marketing department. All of these one-eyed leaders of the blind lead the way they know how: by charging for a training video instead of distilling to a few sentences.
Thus I am honor-bound to tell you:
- To define one cell as a constant for a function that will spill down a column, use '$' in front of each address. Example: "=$sheet1!S$b$4" will set the value in a cell to be the value found in cell B4 on sheet1 of a spreadsheet;
- To get just the content below $100 from a value, use modulo 100. In Excel this reads as "=MOD(A1,100)" to take cell A1's value of 1234.56 and turn it into 34.56;
- If statements and a surprising number of other commands from normal coding exist as formula tools. This is because it's really VBA processing XML: clumsy if you pay attention but effective in a world unfamiliar with shell scripting.
I spend a lot of time learning how to think about problems. It comes with my job: I fix weird problems. It makes me wish I'd taken some computer science courses during college, so I could have learned the rigor of algorithmic thinking with the resource of a professor for guideposts. Then I remember that I spent most of college spinning records. I may have been ready to learn algorithmic structures and processes, but I would've been annoyed at a potential yes-no grade. I was good at b.s.ing and didn't want to risk lowering my GPA with a challenge.
Wow, I really was too young for college when I went there. I guess we all are.
In any case, I eventually learned what I needed because I found a way to intersect what a programmer would ask and what a non-programmer would answer. This doesn't excuse putting Excel on a pedestal, but it sure made gave me a sense of accomplishment.
-VisiCalc shot first, Ps/d